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Chris Perez Thoughts (circa. 1997)

 

Right now I have, except for her, everything I could want. But I'd give it all up just to have her back, because that's how much she meant to me...I feel literally like a big...a big half of me died with her and I haven't...I feel like nothing's filled up that half. You know I am just there...empty.

(Chris said at the time of Selena's death that he wanted to crawl into the coffin and be buried with her.)

Sometimes I feel like...the only way I can explain it is like so alone...you know because I'm there in the house and... her stuff is in the same place it's been. I haven't moved anything...um...it's just strange.. Some days you can walk in and out and it's okay and other days you walk in and out and it's like...it's a real pain...

(They planned on having children. Chris says Selena wanted 5. At the time of her death they were designing a house to be built on ten acres just outside Corpus Christi. They also planned to raise horses. Something Selena had always dreamt of doing.)

Basically what I had to do was let go a lot... of a lot of those dreams but it wasn't that hard because she's not here. That's the hard part, having to deal with that! I mean...(Silence) To be honest, I don't want the land without her. I don't want that house without her... I don't want all that other stuff without her.

(In the years he toured with her band, Chris not only fell in love with Selena, but he grew close to her entire family. Chris says without them he wouldn't be able to cope with the pain.)

Just to have someone there who's missing her, who's kinda going through what I am going through or they're missing the same person that I am and they're in the same situation as far as they can't pick up the phone and call her either. They can't go and pick her up from somewhere and bring her home...uh...or if I need just to talk they're there or if they need to talk they know I'm here.

(Only when Selena died did Chris realize the magnitude of his wife's popularity. He can't explain it, but he believes most fans loved Selena for the same reasons he did. Her beauty, her talent, her kindness and her openness. Even after becoming a superstar, Selena insisted that she remained accessible, so accessible that Chris worried about her safety.)

The thing about it is when you open yourself up like that, you're so vulnerable to the people you're trying to help or that you're being cool with...uh...it's just...I mean.....Look what happened to her you know...

(Chris was reluctant to talk about his wife's killer. He says he is too consumed with grief to even think about her, but his anger for that killer came to the surface.)

I'll just end it right here! I know what happened and it shouldn't have happened! And she should, I want her to pay for what she did!...My wife didn't deserve it!

(Chris says that the justice system could only do so much and that the damage is done. Selena is gone and no verdict can change that. For her fans and family, Selena's spirit lives on through her music and for that Chris is grateful. Selena's English album means the world to him, but listening to it can be difficult.)

I'd be flipping through and I still can't to this day...When it comes on the radio, one of those songs from that album... I have to change it. It's just kinda... it's a pain and when I go home...the funny thing about it, is that I could pop in a tape of it or a cd and just sit back.. Sometimes it is harder than others but at least I could do it.

(Like her voice on the radio, Selena and her music are constant and bittersweet reminders for Chris)

The first time I saw the "I Could Fall In Love" music video, it was like...uh....slashing the wounds open again. It wasn't a...a good experience. It wasn't a happy experience. You know...uh.. that was my first reaction. Now I see it and its kinda like a reminder that she's not here. That's how I see it, but then the other side of me is thinking you know, that's her video for her song, that went to #1, that did so many good things...so its kinda like... (Makes a split in half gesture)

(At 26, Chris Perez says he's in no hurry to make decisions about his future. He says he'll return to playing music because he knows Selena would want him to get on with his life, but doing that will be difficult.)

I can't say anything about how I am going to feel in another hour much less you know a year from now or something. After what has happened... honestly I still feel married because I still feel that big part of me. I know legally it's not the case but I still feel that way!

(2 years after Selena's death, Chris remains close to Selena's family. He still lives next door to her parents and Selena's music still lives on in the Tejano music world. She was given 6 awards at the Tejano music awards last March 1st and was inducted into the billboard Latin hall of fame in 1995. Chris accepted.)