Watching the clip of Selena's mother declaring that she cannot imagine
life without Selena gives me a lump in my throat... Selena was among us
and nobody, absolutely no one, could imagine such a destiny, such a
finale, such a slap in the face from life, as monstrous as mysterious,
so unjust, so cruel...
Is it that this was what destiny had in store for you, Selena? Perhaps
God brought you to the world to demonstrate the reality of his existence
with his most admirable creation? Perhaps God brought you to the world
to enjoy it a little, just a bit, to later deliver you a fate that no
one could have presumed, imagined, or expected? Was your destiny, as
your father has said, to be that of living forever through your music?
Was your destiny to honor us for only 23 years with your presence, and
then leave us and remain only as recorded, a beautiful voice that
enchants us, a presence that holds us captive, and a smile that delights
us?
Why is life so cruel? Why, O God, do you take away the best? Why, O God,
have you taken away Selena, leaving us with that cruel feeling of such a
sad finale, so sorrowful, so senseless, so unfitting to her biography,
her sweetness, her charisma, her voice? Why, O God, do you send us these
trials, why do you seek to test our strength adjusting to a life without
Selena? Why did you take away Selena when the world so needed her? From
what were you protecting her? What was it that she was forbidden to see?
What was it that she was not permitted to experience? Why was the blood
of such an innocent person spilled? Why did you let this deranged
psychopath shoot her? Why, O God in your goodness, did you snatch Selena
from us? Why, O God, did you remove the possibility that Selena could
have been alive and happy? Why her, O God, why? I do not doubt you, or
your decisions. I only ask that you answer my questions, and respond to
my anguish, my weeping, my sorrow, which are not only mine, but of many
people who still fail to understand what happened and why. Why, O God,
did you give us so many signs in Selena's life, and deliver her this
destiny? Why did you not at least ask us if there was someone willing to
be sacrificed for her, to take her place in that dismal room at the Days
Inn? Why don't you challenge all logic, O God, as only You can, and
reverse everything on the 31 of March 1995, to see if we can alter
Selena's destiny and that hers be ours? Why, O God, not give her another
opportunity? Why not return her to be with us?
I look again at Selena, revisiting her life yet once more it seems she
was living a Greek tragedy, as one reads in typical Greek tragedies,
where the protagonist, the invincible hero, is dealt a cruel, insolent,
unacceptable, tragic fate. It seems thus with Selena, from the moment
she so casually received her name, that she took up that tragic role,
would assume from birth that she would go on to live this life and that
that would be its conclusion, and that countless signs were left for us,
that we were able to see the cruel reality at the time, perhaps slowly,
the unholy scythe of the reaper, the implacable, immutable destiny, that
no one could change. And the events proceeded with mathematical logic,
each movement seeming as studied as in a chess game. No one saw how
perfectly realized this was, from its beautiful and idyllic beginning
all the way to the chilling reality that slugs us in the head, strikes
at our soul, and wounds us in the deepest recesses of our heart...
I recall again those words of Marcela Quintanilla and think upon why
exactly what she feared in those words, the worst, came to pass, why
these sweet words of love from a mother to her daughter would receive
that response, that destiny, that sorrow. Why did life deliver that
fate, that cruelty, that burden? Why did this have to happen to her?
What did she do to receive the worst that one can receive? Why such
cruel destiny, just a few days after that horrific 31 of March 1995, to
bring Selena to the silver screen for the first time in the film Don
Juan de Marco, singing mariachi in her film debut? Why did it have to
happen like this? Why did her mother, and her whole family, have to pass
in a single moment, a minute, from glory to sorrow, from pride to
disbelief, from applause to bewilderment? Why did the honest work of so
many years have to be thrown overboard like this? Why must good be
rewarded in so much sorrow and made vanish? Why must evil triumph, and
not be content in its harm without delivering such cruelty as to render
a body motionless, a soul defenseless, and a person no longer able to
live? How can life permit an angel to fall into the hands of a devil?
What kind of sign, lesson, or message are we to learn? How can life
bestow such senselessness upon us?
I look again at Selena singing Fotos y Recuerdos (“Photos and Memories”)
and cannot help but think of this lyric as foremost about the destiny of
Selena. I listen to this lyric and think upon how little time passed for
its hearers, who so loved Selena, before they would experience the exact
same feelings as the protagonist of the song. To no one at all would it
have occurred to think of Selena remaining only as fotos y recuerdos,
that that dynamic figure of so much power, so much energy, so much
passion, would be reduced to inanimate images that could never replace
the essence of Selena, that we would have to be content with her
absence, the absence of her Love. When we see a photo of Selena, perhaps
we realize that only a person with so much love (con tanto Amor) could
always maintain that smile, that better disposition...we realize that
only her presence could bring out the best of each of us, bringing out a
Love that perhaps we did not know we had, that we discover in knowing
Selena. How is it that we aren't going to return the Love that she gave
us? At times I think that that was the destiny which God had in store
for Selena.
I see Selena singing No me queda mas (“Nothing more remains for me [but
to lose myself in an abyss of sadness and tears]”) and cannot avoid
thinking of these words … No me queda mas...and in what would happen
afterward. Afterward, I watch the video of that song and again
additional cruel premonitions of her fate reveal themselves. That video,
precisely that video, would be the last that Selena would ever make.
Perhaps life wanted to leave us that message? Perhaps Selena wanted to
leave her final words, her final images, her final breath? Why was just
this video, which Selena expected to be seen in all the world, above
all, in all of Latin America, to be her last? Why did Selena have to
depart so shortly after demonstrating what a tremendous star she was,
that no one could stop her, when her smile was broader than ever? Why
did destiny allow Selena to see success, to stick her head out the
window to see that she had arrived at the peak, but not to enjoy it? Why
did destiny arrange that Selena had to exit at exactly this time?
Why, O God, did you want Selena to give the concert of her life exactly
33 days before that baleful day? Why, for the first time, a concert of
hers televised live, immortalizing her wardrobe, interpretation---such a
reception, such a performance? Why did you let us see her perform the
Disco Medley but a single time? Why can we not see another performance
of Si Una Vez like that one with which she left us breathless? Why the
bitter irony of life, wherein on that day she her farewell to the
audience (in Spanish) “A thousand hugs and a thousand kisses to each one
of you. Take real care of yourself, and we'll see you real soon. Until
later, ciao, Good night. Thanks!”, turns out to be prophetic? Why, O
God, did you not make Selena think about taking care of her own self?
Why did not they return to see her real soon? Why was the security at
the Astrodome meticulously watching the public to protect Selena had
anyone wanted to harm her? Why did nobody, absolutely no one, think,
intuit, suspect, or imagine that the danger be not on that stage, but a
place much, much nearer, a few steps from Selena? Why, O God, did you
not grant Selena protection from that person? Why did you make this her
last concert? Why did you let this be her last Astrodome performance?
Why did you not permit her to continue to break records, as each time
more and more people would come to see her? Why did you permit Houston
to be transformed from a garden of fulfilled dreams into a sadness
without end? Why did you make her live a grand feast of a life, only to
make he suffer a spectacular death worthy of the Roman circus? Why did
you allow a psychopath to take away the starring role that only Selena
deserved, which she had won through her talent, voice, sacrifice, and so
much Love?
Why did Selena have to leave exactly a day before the concert in Los
Angeles? Why would you not give her the opportunity to give a great new
concert of her own after the Astrodome? Why did destiny transform what
would have been a grand party into a Mass for the Dead in her name a
week later? Why was such a difficult trial inflicted upon her fans? Why
were people not allowed to dance and sing and enjoy themselves and
participate in that communion of Love with Selena, but instead served up
the greatest sorrow and the greatest pain? What did they do to deserve
that? What did Selena do to fail to deserve being able to enjoy her
song, to not deserve to receive more Love from her fans, that she could
not live out another chapter of her success, but had to be taken away a
day before it? Why did destiny once more turn a city of euphoria to
silence, of joy to sorrow, of Love to mourning, from togetherness (confraternidad)
to solitude? Why did Selena have to live this when she had it all? Why
were her admirers (su gente) denied the opportunity to enjoy enduring
happiness in someone whom they so loved, someone to whom they had
demonstrated every shade of feeling? Why did destiny swipe joy from
them? Why did destiny steal Selena's dreams, rewards, and joie de vivre?
Why, O God, did you deny Selena the completion of her dream of recording
her “English album”? Why did you permit her to record only four songs if
you knew that this was the dream of her life, something for which she
had looked forward to for years, as she revealed at the San Antonio
concert of 1991, as she announced with such hope in 1993 when she signed
her first contract to record that album, when she could not refrain from
telling everyone who would listen from that time on? Why did you not at
least let her finish that great album of which she had dreamt? You had
to take her away at that time, at exactly that time? You weren't able to
wait a little longer? You couldn't wait until she finished that album,
that all might be able to see her potential, that the world might see
what she wanted to offer us? You couldn't wait until we saw the
beautiful photos that would have accompanied this CD? You couldn't at
least let her live out the year 1995 to see her offer a concert in
English, how she would conquer the “gringos”, how she would break down
barriers unopposed through the power of pure Love? You weren't able to
let her complete her tour of Latin America so that all, absolutely all
Latinos would see Selena live on the stage, as a person who would leave
an ineradicable mark in each town, in each country, how no one would
ever forget her, that everyone would sigh when they heard the name
“Selena”? Was it too much to ask that Selena could have lived this? Was
it too much to ask that at least many people could have had the
opportunity to see her? Excuse me, God for not understanding this
destiny for Selena, this lesson for everyone. I know that I am not of
your greatness, but hearken to my limitations and my sorrow...
Why did destiny choose for Selena to scarcely begin to realize her great
dream of being a fashion designer? Why, just as Selena was able to do
something of which she had dreamt for years did destiny hand her such a
wicked fate? Why was she permitted to open Selena Etc. to barely begin
to enjoy it? Why did destiny join her in business with that despicable
woman? Why was that unmentionable woman permitted to become the manager
of the business? Why did destiny place that woman at that concert in San
Antonio in 1991 when she barely knew Selena and she only liked Baila
esta cumbia? Why did she get the idea of starting a fan club when it did
not occur to Selena or any of her family? Why did destiny arrange that
everyone trusted her, everyone without exception, not only Selena? Why
did even as wordly and skeptical a person as Abraham Quintanilla trust
her to organize the fan club? Why did Suzette (Selena's sister) choose
her as a Maid of Honor at her own wedding, paired with Selena? Why is it
that the only time I see the loquacious Chris Perez with that person is
when he is preparing the song Ya no? How could such a malicious person
deceive an entire family for years and gain the trust required to be
chosen to manage Selena Etc.? How could it be that when I see Selena in
the program Un nuevo día, saying how they have built a family business
because they don't know what would happen if they admitted a stranger to
the business, yet they trusted this outsider? Why did destiny grant this
woman a power greater than those of her family, record label, fans, than
the love of her admirers? How could destiny allow a single person to
extinguish a life and years and years of dreams of a whole family? How
could destiny send us this satanic message that deceit, lies, and
betrayal trump honesty, hard work, and talent?
Perhaps this is what God wanted. Perhaps God assigned a place to Selena,
that she would delight us each day with her performances, with her
unforgettable concerts, her joy, her smile, her charisma, her joie de
vivre, her dreams, her hopes. Perhaps God wanted Selena to give us a
lesson, to make us better persons. Perhaps in Selena God wanted to show
us the measure of his greatness, what he is able to bring forth, yet
took her away to make us aware that we must learn to follow the right
road, the way of true values. Perhaps Abe Quintanilla was right: perhaps
the destiny of Selena was to be immortalized through her singing,
sweetening our lives with her voice,giving us a pat when we go to bed
singing her songs. Perhaps if that had been Selena's “true destiny”, one
she surely did not want, nor one that we ever wished for her, but one
that was never in our hands to arrange or decide... perhaps …. and even
if that “perhaps” be certain, I will always hope for that “perhaps” to
have another conclusion, that God will through a further act give Selena
another chance, a new life, that she only finish that which she had
started, for her to return to life, that we again smile and rejoice in
her presence.
That is what I hope of you, O God, that you let me see Selena again,
that I see her happy, triumphant, and above all living her life.....and
so that her mother's nightmare close.
This I ask you from my heart, for Selena, only for Selena.
